"There's only one thing more precious than time and that's who we spend it on."
-Leo Christopher
June 2016 brought news of Trevor's deployment. We were crushed. The Wing Commander held a meeting to read aloud all the names of those who would be deploying just a short year later. Then his name was called, just then his heart sank into his belly and he felt sick.
He waited until we were together to tell me, although I could tell something was wrong. Hearing him sharing the news brought on such confusion for me, "But I thought deployments were mostly voluntary with the Guard? I thought they take volunteers first?" Not this time. His name had been approved by the Secretary of Defense. There was no fighting it. He. Was. Going.
In the beginning it was as if an hourglass was placed in front of us. With each passing day we're watching a grain of sand shift from one portion to the next, symbolizing our time is running out. The weeks leading up to his flight were torturous and although we were together, the time was still passing by; Hour by hour, minute by minute.
In the beginning it was as if an hourglass was placed in front of us. With each passing day we're watching a grain of sand shift from one portion to the next, symbolizing our time is running out. The weeks leading up to his flight were torturous and although we were together, the time was still passing by; Hour by hour, minute by minute.
It's in these moments when one realizes how much is taken for granted. Seeing him (mostly) every day for the past twelve years suddenly felt like the blink of an eye. Suddenly I felt short-changed, as if betrayed or someone stole something irreplaceable from me. And isn't this true of time? It passes regardless of circumstance. Regardless of us.
And so I spent the last year contemplating us. In just a few short years I'll have spent half of my life with this person who I would want in my life even if I wasn't his wife. Who, although he is my lover, is above-all-else my friend. Who extends grace daily. Who truly loves unconditionally. The thought of missing out on his bear hugs when I need it most cuts me deeply. The thought of him never returning is a hurt so heavy that my mind cannot begin to fathom it.
But it's simply time for now. And time will pass. And for the hurting hearts left behind when loved ones deploy, it's complicated. If time passes by quickly, we'll be reunited sooner. But time is still life. Still, regardless of any of this, time will pass as it always does. Hour by hour, minute by minute.
10 July 2017: The Extra Hour
Monday started off a bit somber, as to be expected. My first thought upon waking was, "Today's the day..." Trevor still lay asleep beside me and when he awoke he must have had the same daunting realization. As he came to he took a deep sigh and I just held him.
We laid in bed together for a bit before he brought me a quick breakfast--which he began doing early on in the pregnancy when my morning nausea was at its worst. It became routine and I wondered to myself how I would manage without him. Then a peace washes over me: God will provide. It's as if I'm telling this to myself but yet it's more convincing. Must be the Holy Spirit, I rationalize.
He begins scrambling around the house to complete any task before him. He cleans the litter boxes. Puts in a load of laundry. Folds the towels that were in the dryer. Takes out the trash and cleans my mom's backyard. I look around at all he has helped me with and I begin to feel overwhelmed in anticipating the weight of taking it all on myself, plus a newborn baby. God will provide, I remember. "Okay," I say in my mind; as if to give-in. "I can handle this."
My mom, Trevor and I made plans the night before to swing by Norm's on the way to LAX for breakfast. As mom's running late to return home from an appointment Trevor and I make love.
At breakfast Trevor leads the three of us in prayer. He prays for his safety, his spiritual journey while deployed and his safe return home. He prays that we (mom and I) would enjoy our time spent together and be fruitful with it, and he prays the same for himself. Mom cries a bit, which beckons me to tear up with her. Trevor, although sad, has not yet cried over this deployment.
We head back home for a bit to ensure Trevor packed all of his belongings. I find him standing in my room and I melt into his embrace. I'm going to miss this so much, I think to myself. But trustingly, I surrender. God. Will. Provide.
As I walk out to join my mom and Trevor awaiting me in the car I'm greeted by a look of exuberance on Trevor's face. "I just got a text! My flight has been delayed, we have an extra hour!" Mom encourages us to go back inside and spend the hour alone as she agrees to wait in the car.
We hurried back inside, kicked off our shoes and laid down on our bed. He holds me as his arm supports the back of my head. We rest, talk and laugh together, as if the day was no different than any other. With the gift of an extra hour together, I feel God rebuild my strength. God is providing already.
As I check the clock I see the time has slipped away. Only five minutes left until we ought to rejoin my mom in the car. He rubs my belly gently, kisses it once more and tells David he's excited to see him soon. Tells him to take care of mommy and then gives me a wink and a kiss.
Before we leave I see Trevor's Indiana Jones hat sitting on the couch. Selfishly, I had convinced him not to take it in case he were to lose or damage it. I pick it up and hand it to him, "You need to take this with you," I convey. He smiles and places it on top of his head, now ready to leave.
As Trevor loads up the car, mom tells Trevor she will display the American flag in front of her house until he returns home.
On the drive to the airport I give thanks to the Lord for the extra hour. For the precious gift of time. It was much needed (isn't it always?) and I would have been lost without it. In that moment I wish to myself that I will always live in the extra-hour phase, so-to-speak. That I would never again take for granted the gift of time.
As we approach the airport I can sense Trevor's compounding stress. He fidgets in his seat and softly sighs occasionally. He expresses he's sad to leave and doesn't want to go. Shares with us that it's an unusual feeling to be living out this moment as if he's another person watching himself going through the motions. "It's like I'm in a movie and I'm watching myself do all of this. Like, this isn't my life," he explores.
We get out of the car and I take a few pictures of him standing with his bags, as I did when he left for basic military training. We ask a passerby to take our picture to which she graciously agrees.
We kiss, hug then kiss once more.
He calls me from inside the airport to say he got his ticket and saw us drive away.
11 July 2017: First Appointment with Dr. Friedman + 3rd Ultrasound
At first I wasn't sure how I would feel the day after Trevor's departure. The therapist in me figured I would need time to rest but being busy has been a blessing for now. Mom took the day off to join me for the appointment. Not that I have many choices of doctors-who-accept-tricare-and-deliver-at-LCOM because there's only just the one, but her opinion of him still matters to me.
My new OBGYN is a former Navy Officer and, although he's 74-years old, he's very sharp. He didn't ask me a lot of questions, but it became clear this was because he actually read my chart. What I like most about him is his devotion to Trevor, who he may never even meet. He's aware that we're a military family and Trevor's deployed overseas so he offered to perform an ultrasound on me just so I could film it and send him a little pick-me-up. "It's bad enough guys are over there having to worry about themselves, they shouldn't have to worry about loved ones back home!"
It's obvious he's not properly trained in manning the machine but he does his best to show us what he can. My mom was in heaven--she loved every second of it!
 | |
| She thought I was still filming, haha |
Another benefit of working with Dr. Friedman is he's well-versed in Tricare. He's been working with Tricare since his practice began and he knows what will be approved and denied, which is reassuring. So far he has gained a lot of my trust. And, as mentioned in the last post, he agreed to let me skype and film the birth so fingers crossed that I get to do that for Trevie. He did mention that he only works the traditional 9-5, so there is a chance another doctor could deliver David. Also, he won't be performing the circumcision as he leaves that up for the younger doctors to complete.
My mom likes him a lot and I'm grateful for his heart for Trevor. He didn't have to attempt an ultrasound but he chose to give up a bit of his lunchtime to do so. So far, I'm happy with him.
16 July 2017: Little Company of Mary Hospital Tour + A Night Out with Friends + Thank-Yous
The 2-hour informational session and tour of the hospital went well! As a new mom, there's so much I need to learn and decide on so this event helped me to gather a lot of information all at once. Mom and Anna came as well and I was grateful for their presence. Little Company of Mary is undoubtedly a fantastic hospital and I consider myself lucky to be able to birth there.
Notable Mentions:
- There's a bluetooth monitoring device for walking around the hospital during labor; in connection with a "walking epidural."
- Torrance PD offers free car seat checks to ensure baby will be safely secure while driving.
- Lots of alternative pain-reliever methods are offered and encouraged.
- Hospital has impressive security measures--Only visitors on a list are allowed into postpartum room, beeper on baby's leg/foot will give warning alarms when near an exit, and will signal hospital alarms to go off if monitor gets too close to an exit.
After dinner the two preggos went out for Handel's Ice Cream! We got to chat for awhile and I loved spending time with her one-on-one. And it's fair to mention... we each got four scoops of ice cream, haha! No regrets, baby!
Also, my Brookie Cookie sent me a package all the way from Idaho! She sent an Ergo baby carrier, maternity pants and a dress and Norwegian chocolate! The chocolate lasted all of two days--granted, it would have been gone in one day but I promised to share with mom, haha. I plan on using the Ergo with David a lot when he gets here! Thanks Bestie!
Honestly, I'm so grateful for the support, advice, gifts and hand-me-downs! Ashley went through my nephew Zac's clothes and all of her maternity stuff and gave me a huge bag of goodies to try out. Thank you Ashie Ash! I'm so excited to put a little baby in those clothes!
Week 19 Photos
Week 19 Updates
1. Size of the baby? About 6 inches long and weighs about 8.5 ounces, about the size of a mango!
2. What's developing this week?
4. Movement? Yes, little kicks and jabs. Sometimes I can feel him shift from one side to the next.
5. Sleep? No change.
6. Symptoms?
- Round ligament pain.
- Boobs are hurting again.
- Lower-pelvic pressure. Feels as though he's pushing down on a nerve from time to time.
- A bit of itchy skin on lower belly.
7. Cravings and Aversions? Tomatoes and sweets, y'all.
8. Best moment this week? The extra hour.
9. Prayer requests? Please pray for Trevor's travels again, very important.
10. What are you looking forward to for next week? 20-week anatomy scan on the 19th!
No comments:
Post a Comment